Let Dad Be Dad

I read an interesting article in the Wall Street Journal this morning titled: “Mother, May I? Helping Moms Back Off So Dads Can Be Dads”. The piece, written by Sue Shellenbarger, talks about “negative gatekeeping” by mothers. Shellenbarger defines this as “grimaces or criticism when men try to change a diaper or feed or play with a baby.” She cites research showing this “gatekeeping” as a hindrance to fathers’ involvement in the child rearing process.

I will admit, I have been guilty of “gatekeeping” a lot. Let me ask this: are we as mothers prohibiting our husbands – who we chose and committed to sharing our lives with – from having the ultimate relationship with our – their – children? As women, are we so arrogant or self-involved that we truly believe that we are the only one capable of properly taking care of our kids? Or that we are the only ones who want and know what is best for them?

Full disclosure: I come from a unique position of having a husband who is a stay-at-home-dad. This certainly may give me a different perspective on this. But I would argue that the day you and your husband stood at the alter and proclaimed your commitment for each other – you also agreed that this man was fit enough to raise your children. Not “help you” raise your children – raise them. If something were to happen to you, would you have allowed him to have developed the skills necessary to raise your children himself? With the exception of the marriages that have no intention of having children, isn’t this ultimately the destination of our commitment and relationship – the raising of a family? Why then, women, is it that we allow ourselves to put up these barriers to our husbands – our children’s fathers? Let down your guard and allow your husband to become the father that God created him to be. Something to ponder as we approach Father’s Day.

Our Self-Definition
The article goes on to further state that these studies have revealed some women – unconscious of their gatekeeping – do it as a way of boosting their self esteem – as “motherhood” is how they exclusively define themselves.

As much as the majority of my identity is defined by motherhood, I am also many other things – wife, sister, daughter, leader, team member, citizen, etc. It is important to balance each of these things daily and live fully as each one. If we are absorbed in just one aspect of our life, we become so dependent on it to define who we are. Don’t get me wrong, I will always be a mother and I relish that role. But I am ever conscious of the other roles I have in my life and understand their importance.

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I let Nick review this post before I posted it and he thought it was a bit of a downer. He says he thought Not a Perfect Mom was supposed to be light-hearted and fun. Well, it is but I also want to make us think and reflect on how we can become not so “Not a Perfect Mom”. So if you find this to be a downer, I apologize. We’ll get back to fun soon!